I’m about to do something taboo among men… share my freak’n feelings. I’ve had some interesting experiences in dealing with self image throughout my ongoing body transformation and I feel that we can all benefit from an open discussion on this topic.
It’s a mixed bag of emotions from feeling fat with a lack of confidence, to feeling sexy and on top of the world, to feeling small (not big or muscular enough), to worrying about feeling fat again while gaining muscle. All of that and so much more…
In The Beginning
It’s true… I’m not some genetic freak.
Although I once was a “skinny little maggot” as Jason Ferruggia so eloquently puts it 😉 weighing in at a whopping 123lbs in my early 20’s…
…I proved that I could gain fat just as quick as everyone else when I ballooned up to 190 during my late 20’s all thanks to a high stress lifestyle and a bout of depression.
During this time I felt like a fraud, considering I was a personal fitness trainer who was in worst shape than most of my clients. I struggled to hold my breath while tying my shoe/skate laces, I couldn’t stand to look at my side profile in the mirror, and worst of all I felt unattractive to my wife.
Thankfully, I turned things around and found a solution that worked for me and my lifestyle during this busy time in my life as an entrepreneur and father of two young children.
It felt great to be lean again. I looked good, but I still lacked confidence with my physique. I had some abs, but when I sat down a roll of stomach fat would bulge over my pants.
This made me feel quite uncomfortable. I was still hiding behind my t-shirts and felt like I wasn’t living life to my fullest. I didn’t feel “free”.
The inspiration to take things to the next level and transform my body two years ago came in a single moment while I was looking at myself in the mirror. I saw an average physique staring back at me.
Now that’s all fine and dandy for some people, but I hold higher standards for myself. There’s something about mediocrity that just doesn’t sit too well with me.
I know that I am capable of greatness and it eats me up inside when I know I’m not striving for my true potential and making the absolute most out of the gifts that I’ve been granted.
I never stood there in front of the mirror and beat myself up or felt guilty for the choices I made that got me to that point. It is what it is. What I struggled with, was knowing that I deserved better… from myself.
In that moment I made the choice to show the world what I’m really made of… refusing to settle for nothing less than the best from myself… and I have never looked back.
I realize that I have just scratched the surface with what I am capable of achieving. At 37 years young, I feel like I’m in the prime of my life with the best years ahead of me.
As I transformed my average physique into a sculpted work of art, I discovered a confidence that I never dreamed I would posses. I developed a swagger as a result of fully knowing I could achieve whatever goal I set my mind on.
I rewarded myself with a photo shoot… the ultimate way of capturing your body as a work of art.
I had never felt sexier in my entire life.
After all these years of working out I had finally discovered the beauty and joy in the process.
I recognized that physique training was less science than art and I was determined to become the artist!
During the following year I would continue to sculpt my physique with intense enthusiasm and passion.
On October 27th, 2012 I competed in my first Natural Bodybuilding Contest… stepping on stage in the best shape of my life and placing 2nd in the lightweight division.
I was overwhelmed with an incredible sense of pride and joy… and it made my day to see my wife an kids in attendance, cheering me on and celebrating my achievements.
What Happened Next Caught Me Off Guard
In order to achieve the level of leanness required to compete in bodybuilding I had to give myself permission to be light. I knew that I would come in weighing less than 150lbs for the competition.
The evening before the event I weighed in at 145.5lbs. I was the lightest male bodybuilder in the competition. The rest of the competitors in the lightweight category were weighing in at 154-155lbs (155 being the cut off for the division).
Although I looked and felt muscular and strong, there was something about seeing the number 145.5 on the scale that made it seem less impressive.
It began to stir up the emotions of being a skinny dude earlier in life.
Don’t get me wrong… I was very proud of myself and ecstatic about what I had achieved. I was receiving positive reinforcement from friends and colleagues. I simply felt like I did not want to be a “lightweight” anymore.
Building up my body seemed like the next logical step in my body sculpting journey.
As I evaluated where I was at and where I needed to get to, I maintained a healthy fascination with my physique, while staying positive with my personal critiques.
Instead of getting down about my lagging chest or calve development, I viewed it as an opportunity to once again show myself what I’m made of… to tap into my true potential… to make the most out of my gifts.
Based on previous attempts to gain muscle, I knew that progress would be exceptionally slow if I tried to stay super lean during a muscle building phase. So now, I had to give myself permission to gain some fat during the process.
This was a very scary and unpleasant thought to me. I’m always most confident when I’m lean. I struggled to let go of my ripped abs, but I knew it was a necessary choice in order to achieve my big picture goals.
I have mastered fat loss. I know exactly what it takes to get ripped. This took some of the fear out of my mind. I made a point to set a standard for how much fat I would allow myself to gain during the muscle building phase.
I gave myself permission to gain just enough fat to the point where my lower abs would slightly fade away… leaving me with a 4-pack instead of a 6-pack. Not an easy decision, but I know that I can get ripped in just 4-6 weeks when I’m at that body fat level.
For the past few weeks I’ve been at that level… and yes it’s been a bit of an emotional battle.
The thought of going to a water park at this moment or beach vacation doesn’t sit to well with me… but, it’s a much different feeling from 2 years ago. Although I’m a bit uncomfortable with carrying around some excess fat, I know that I still look freak’n great.
I’m not insecure about the excess fat… I’m actually grateful for it because it’s played a roll in helping me gain some much needed muscle.
Shirt on I feel like a freak’n BEAST right now. My chest, back, shoulders, and arms are filling out nicely.
My shorts are fitting tighter as I have built up my glutes and thighs. As a guy who used to get teased about having stick legs… seeing my thighs grow has been a huge confidence booster.
The positive feedback that I’ve received from my family and friends has really helped me put this muscle building phase into perspective.
Just this week, I received a comment from a fellow trainer who mentioned in a flattering way that I was “looking beefy“. Angie has been telling me that I’m looking way more muscular and how much she likes to see it.
I did receive one negative comment on YouTube from someone who said that it looked like I was on a fat building program instead of a muscle building program. They liked the ripped “look” that I had in my photo shoot and made it sound like I was letting myself go. They just don’t see the big picture… so I can let that stuff go in one ear and out the other 😉
My newly earned muscle and “beefy” appearance has sparked some interesting conversations with Angie. She actually prefers me with a bit more fat compared to the ripped look that I achieved for the bodybuilding contest.
I can see where she was coming from. Contests and photo shoots are typically a snap shot in time. It’s not something that you maintain for the long-term. That’s why they refer to it as “peaking“. Just like for the Olympics, the athletes put in a great deal of training and planning so they peak at the time of the Olympics.
Angie and I talked about some of the comments that I was receiving in the week leading up to the bodybuilding contest. Some people who hadn’t seen me in a while were asking if I was OK or if something was wrong and I was sick, because I had lost so much weight. Mainly it was my face they were looking at. When you get down to an ultra low body fat percentage your face can look drawn in.
I don’t mind taking the time to explain why I was doing what I was doing and that this was just a temporary state. It can be difficult for some people to understand and some do not appreciate it like I do… and that’s OK. We all have different standards. I do this for a reason and I’m passionate about it… plus I’m healthy as a horse 😉
Some people think your face looks better when you are “pudgy”. Some say it creates less wrinkles. But to me, it’s not worth it to gain excess fat just to have fuller cheeks. If you can’t take me at 8-10% body fat and a thinner face, then you are not appreciating me for who I am… because at that body fat percentage you see the real me… the bone structure and the way I am meant to look.
I’m fine with people thinking my face looks too thin at much lower body fat levels… because that is just a temporary state that I do not plan on maintaining… but it’s necessary in order to show off the incredible detail of the rest of my physique.
It’s been interesting to hear that Angie is most attracted to me when I only have a 4-pack as opposed to having a 6-pack. She says this now, but I do recall her enthusiasm and comments when I had 6 pack abs a couple months ago 😉
Really, it sounds like we both think I “look” the best somewhere in between my current body fat percentage and the ripped contest look… which is really where I stay throughout most of the year. I only temporarily go below it for contests and photo shoots… and only temporarily go above it while in a muscle building phase.
I’m currently weighing in at 167lbs… four months post contest. I’m going to spend a little more time in muscle building mode before getting ripped for a photo shoot on June 22nd. At that point we will see just how much muscle I’ve gained.
I plan on maintaining a low body fat percentage throughout the Summer… and see if I can make any muscle building progress without gaining fat. It will be a fun experiment to compare to this muscle build phase where I gave myself permission to gain some fat.
Conclusion
This topic may seem a bit vain… but really, the reason why most of us begin a workout program is because we want to look better. Vanity plays a huge role… and the health benefits are a tremendous plus that goes along with it.
It may sound like I’m tough on myself, but from what I’ve experienced… this is a positive form of tough love. Feeling a little self-conscious at times is not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps me in check and true to my core values… of striving to be the best that I can be.
Like I said, I don’t get down on myself at times when I am not quite as confident with my self image. I actually get excited about it. It’s my feedback loop. I’m experiencing feelings and emotions that are telling me to make a change and take action toward a specific goal that puts me in alignment with my big picture goals.
This self image feedback loop has served me well during the past two years. In this time I have continued to improve my physique each and every month. The journey and the process has never been more exciting. I’m proving to myself each and every day that I truly am capable of greatness.
You can visually see my physical transformation, but what you may not see is just how much this journey has impacted me on a spiritual level. I’m not talking religion here. I’m talking about unleashing my soul… the things that really make me tick… the things that make me unique… the things that reveal my inner strength and beauty.
It’s incredibly important to note that every step of the way, even when my self image is not quite as high… I love myself with all my heart. I love who I am, what I strive for, what I stand for, who I was, and who I am about to become. I can be hard on myself… but it’s only because I love who I am and I expect the best out of me.
I realize that my struggles pale in comparison to others and I have witnessed the impact that a negative self image can have on young people… especially young girls who feel they have to live up to what they see on magazine covers.
I’ve had friends who have dealt with anorexia and bulimia… both men and women. My friend Hugo Rivera openly shares his experience with anorexia as a young teenage boy and how he turned it around. Same thing with James Villepigue, who overcame bulimia. These are things that you don’t typically hear guys talk about.
I’ve also had the privilege of seeing a female client who once struggled with anorexia and has now overcome her negative self image. She recently took part in a very sexy photo shoot and you can see her confidence radiating from her every day.
As you can see, physique training is so much more than, “lifting things up and putting them down”. It’s a journey of self-discovery.
What have you learned about yourself throughout your transformation? How is your self image?
I sincerely hope that you take the time to share a bit about your experience and your thoughts on the subject of self image. We have so much to learn from each other.
Thanks for taking the time to read through my ramblings. I hope that it touched you in one way or another.
Sculpt a Masterpiece,
Scott Tousignant
About The Author
Scott Tousignant, BHK, is a Certified Fitness Consultant with a passion for transforming fitness enthusiasts into goal driven, dedicated, and voracious physique artists who take pride in their body, fitness, health, and lifestyle. Embraced by physique artists around the world, his Metabolic Masterpiece Body Sculpting Programs will guide you through the process of sculpting your body into a work of art, by applying what Scott has coined, The A.T.T.R.A.C.T. Formula.
With his synergistic, boredom busting body sculpting workouts you will melt stubborn fat and gain muscle while skyrocketing your metabolism!
The art of molding and chiseling an aesthetically pleasing physique with ideal proportions and spectacular symmetry is one of life’s most rewarding and fulfilling experiences. It’s an opportunity for self growth and self discovery that will impact every area of your life.